May 23rd 2008 - Dear Eurolines...

Dear Eurolines,

I just wanted to thank you for an incredibly entertaining journey from London to Brussels on Saturday 17th May. You have changed my opinion of coach travel forever!

First of all, an apology: I’m sorry that I was the final passenger on the coach, 15 minutes after the due departure time. I’d had a long day and my psychic powers were fading as my fatigue levels rose, leaving me sadly incapable of finding an unmarked bus in a large bus station without the aid of any public announcement. In all fairness, I’m pretty sure that my tardiness did not hold up proceedings significantly as 10 minutes later the driver had still not found the bus either. It was merely impatience that got the better of one of my fellow passengers, who left the coach to see what was happening. Full marks, however, must go to the comedy timing of the arrival of your driver, who chose this particular moment to finally locate his bus, jump into his seat, close the doors and drive off, much to the ire of the stranded passenger. Luckily, your driver had actually driven off in the wrong direction, allowing the passenger to (somewhat out of breath) catch up with the coach, amusingly hurl abuse (in German) at the hapless driver and resume his seat. A sign of things to come?

London is an attractive city, so thank you for allowing your driver to give us an unscheduled tour before finally exiting the limits of the capital and traversing the Dartford Crossing. At this point, I must point out that it was rather fortunate that the aforementioned passenger knew how to swear in German, because your driver knew no other language. For example, he had no way of knowing that the toll booth marked “Cars only; no change given” wasn’t really for us until it was too late. A nifty reversing manoeuvre later and we were being asked for the toll for the bridge. Amusingly, your driver had no money whatsoever. It was a Romanian passenger on the front seat that coughed up the required amount and we were on our way once again! Oh! How I laughed!

Canterbury is an attractive city, an attractive city which wasn’t actually on the scheduled route. Nevertheless, thank you for the tour of the quaint little back streets of this ancient seat of religion and learning. By the way, you should ensure that your driver attends a training session on the quirks of British highway code such as stopping at red lights, recognition of the “no vehicles” sign and, most importantly of all, the difference between the signposts for the BUS station and the TRAIN station.

As another aside, you really ought to thank another of those handy Romanians on the front row, for it was him – despite speaking little English and hardly any German – who attempted to translate directions between the good people of Canterbury and your driver. He deserves a free voucher or something (although he’s unlikely to actually want to use it).

Your driver’s little joke of driving straight through French passport controls at Dover was much appreciated by me, but somewhat wasted on the uniformed officers, who appeared to be quite miffed if truth be told. Given the additional diligence with which then devoted to checking our passports, your driver should have had plenty of time to work out which ferry company we were travelling with. But, alas, no…

“Who are you sailing with?” asked the man from Sea France
“Eurolines” replied your driver.
“No, who are you SAILING with?”
“Eurolines”
“ OK then, what BOAT are you taking?“
“Sea France”
“So why does your ticket say “P&O” on it then?” Oh! How I laughed!!!!!

The resulting delay merely confirmed what I and all the passengers had feared ever since London – we missed the boat. Not to worry! The next boat was only 2 hours 15 minutes away and there is plenty to do at Dover docks at 12.30am! I struggled to get to sleep to be honest, although I’d prefer to think it was due to my jovial mood rather than your rock-hard seats. What fun!

By the way, have you ever heard of the Eurotunnel? Marvellous invention – might be useful for your line of business, potentially cutting several days off the time for your London – Barcelona route. Still, the boat has one advantage – a bar. Many of your passengers took advantage of this situation in an attempt to dull their senses in advance of the continuation of the trip.

Here’s another tip: After the passengers rejoin your coach after a break, your driver should perform a quick headcount to ensure everyone is present. This really is a rather common practice, believe me. If your driver had taken this simple step, he would have noticed that the girl who was sitting directly behind me had not yet returned to her seat by the time we left the boat. If he had understood English (or French, or anything else), he may have translated our cries of “There’s somebody missing! STOP!” into an inkling of comprehension. In my humble opinion, his response of “Nein! Ich muss fahren!” (“No! I have to drive on!”) wasn’t really an excuse. You really should thank the French port official who flagged us down soon after leaving the boat and forced him into waiting for our stricken passenger. Oh! How I laughed!

Ghent is an attractive city. Unfortunately, we never got to see it. Soon after leaving Calais ( and cognisant of the combined sedative effects of alcohol, the swaying of the sea and it being the middle of the night) your driver announced softly that, in the interests of time, he wasn’t going to stop in Ghent after all and if that would inconvenience anybody terribly. Being both (1) awake and (2) able to understand German, I was in a good position to understand this message, but for the remainder of the passengers (asleep and English / Belgian), the response was understandably muted.

Brussels is NOT an attractive city. The unscheduled tour (and lesson in how to perform u-turns of a large bus in small streets) was not welcome whatsoever. Due to this unwarranted diversion, I missed the express train to Luxembourg. This actually was not funny at all, but I had laughed so much during the journey that I just couldn’t help myself any longer!

Anyway, thanks for reading this and I look forward to my next adventure on Eurolines with great anticipation!

Best regards,

Jonathan Orr, Luxembourg

p.s. Liege is not an attractive city either. Please reimburse the poor sods from Ghent who woke up there and realised that they were on the other side of their country. Thanks!